Saturday, August 16, 2014
I hope to be someone that both my sons can be proud of. I know that I don't have to worry about Benjamin because he is being taken care of. God loves both my sons more than I ever could. My responsibility now, is for Jed. He is the one that is still here, in a world that is very much lost. Although I would have loved to see Benjamin grow up, it is a relieve knowing he will never have to experience any hurt, heartbreak, or loss. He has gone to a far better rest.
Loss has a funny way of showing you what's important. It often crosses my mind that this could be the last time I see my family. Our culture is so far removed from death, that when it happens, It's paralyzing. I imagine people in other countries experience death all the time. How horrific it must be to see the people you love die around you because of hunger or disease. We however, don't share that same sentiment. I honestly never imagined that I would loose my son. Not because I din't think it could happen, i just didn't think it would. Now I recognize how truly fleeting our life is. The verse that says our life is but a myst comes to mind. So i hope I can make the most out of it. Not trying to change the world, become famous, or to have the most fun. I hope I make the most out of every minute, and everyday. Glorifying God, even in the everyday, mundane. In doing laundry, washing dishes, changing diapers, in every conversation, every car ride, and with everyone I meet. For the glory of God.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
I wrote a while back how we we're pregnant with our second baby, Benjamin. He was due June 24th, exactly a month before Jed's birthday. He came a little early on June 19th. We lost him just an hour after he was born. It's been nearly 3 weeks since Ben passed, but it still feels like just yesterday. Never in my life did I imagine this would happened. A part of me still feels like I will wake up tomorrow and still be pregnant.
I have learned that Control is an illusion that we have for ourselves. I replay Bens birth in my mind, over, and over. Thinking that I can change the outcome, wanting things to be different. I wonder if there is anything that we could have done. Then I'm reminded by my husband that there's not. God already knew. He's always in control. I remember him telling me something in the hospital that just pierced my heart. He said that Benjamin never really belonged to us, he was Gods all along.
It doesn't make the hurt any less real but it gives me hope to know that Ben is with God. I don't say that casually or hoping that it's true. I say it knowing full well, that it's true. I'm still working through the sadness, the anger, the fear. People keep telling me I'm so brave for not curling up in a corner and dying, but the truth is, I don't feel brave. I feel like at any moment I can burst into tears. Like I'm just hanging in there by a thread. My heart feels broken. I keep wanting to feel normal, but I think that this is the new normal. I don't think the pain will ever go away. I think you just learn to live with. The pain I rivaled only by hope, by the full assurance that I will see Ben again in heaven.