I have been having a hard time lately with RJ being gone. I think the reality of this being a regular thing has really set in for me. I didn't realize just how hard it would be to be apart from him, I never thought it would be easy, but I never imagined this. I want so badly to be the kind of woman who can put on some lipstick and pull herself together, but I'm not. I'm the kind of girl who cries at the drop of a hat, who gets way more attached to puppies at the pet store than she should, who is afraid of the unknown. This whole experienced has grown me in such a small amount of time.
I can't help but feel sad that our first year of marriage won't be a typical one. I won't get to pack his lunch. I won't have anyone to make dinner for. He won't be there to say It's okay when I burn a pie. We won't sit across from each other at dinner and talk about our day. One of my biggest fears was that I would end up like my mom. My dad died at such a young age and she was left all alone to raise two kids. I know my husband isn't dead but I think it has helped me relate to my mom so much more. How did she do it? How was she able to raise two kids with the agonizing pain of my dad dying? She never remarried and even more astonishing I never saw her cry. My mom never complained, she never cried, and she never painted herself as a victim. She would always say that sometimes we don't understand why God does things, and sometimes we never will. I guess I don't really get it until now just how much faith that took.
I use to hope that I would not be like my mom (like all teenagers do). Now I hope that I will be just like her, I hope that I will find just a smidgen of the strength that she found. I hope that I will look beyond myself to see what God is doing in our lives. I want to have such complete assurance in God that I can faithfully say that He is working even if I don't understand it. But most importantly I hope that like her, I won't make myself the victim. I often tell myself that It's not that bad, someone always has it worse. But I have come to discover that, that is poor counseling. Even if it was that bad, even if I was the worst off (like job), I hope that I would still praise God. I hope to never question His plans or His purpose. I hope to always take comfort in knowing that He cares for me, more than anyone else ever could.
May I always follow Christ, whatever the cost.