I wrote a while back how we we're pregnant with our second baby, Benjamin. He was due June 24th, exactly a month before Jed's birthday. He came a little early on June 19th. We lost him just an hour after he was born. It's been nearly 3 weeks since Ben passed, but it still feels like just yesterday. Never in my life did I imagine this would happened. A part of me still feels like I will wake up tomorrow and still be pregnant.
I have learned that Control is an illusion that we have for ourselves. I replay Bens birth in my mind, over, and over. Thinking that I can change the outcome, wanting things to be different. I wonder if there is anything that we could have done. Then I'm reminded by my husband that there's not. God already knew. He's always in control. I remember him telling me something in the hospital that just pierced my heart. He said that Benjamin never really belonged to us, he was Gods all along.
It doesn't make the hurt any less real but it gives me hope to know that Ben is with God. I don't say that casually or hoping that it's true. I say it knowing full well, that it's true. I'm still working through the sadness, the anger, the fear. People keep telling me I'm so brave for not curling up in a corner and dying, but the truth is, I don't feel brave. I feel like at any moment I can burst into tears. Like I'm just hanging in there by a thread. My heart feels broken. I keep wanting to feel normal, but I think that this is the new normal. I don't think the pain will ever go away. I think you just learn to live with. The pain I rivaled only by hope, by the full assurance that I will see Ben again in heaven.