It's been almost two months since Benjamin's passing and I can't say that it hurts any less, than I did the first day. I can say that i don't burst into tears everyday, I don't hate the thought of having another child, and it's getting easier to hear his name. I had hoped that Benjamin passing would change just one persons life, that it wouldn't in my mind be "in vain". I have since learned that God's plan is never in vain. That although I can't know his purpose, I can trust in His plan. I have also learned that Benjamin has changed a life, mine. It has truly been life changing to loose my son. I have thousands of regrets that are resolved only in forgiveness by God. I regret not taking more pictures, not journaling my pregnancy, taking for granted what a blessing pregnancy is. Those regrets are met by forgiveness. They are also met by change. I am not the same person that I was 2 months ago. Loss has an incredible way of stopping you in your tracks. Making you evaluate your character, and pointing out what needs changing. Benjamin's death has done, exactly that.
I hope to be someone that both my sons can be proud of. I know that I don't have to worry about Benjamin because he is being taken care of. God loves both my sons more than I ever could. My responsibility now, is for Jed. He is the one that is still here, in a world that is very much lost. Although I would have loved to see Benjamin grow up, it is a relieve knowing he will never have to experience any hurt, heartbreak, or loss. He has gone to a far better rest.
Loss has a funny way of showing you what's important. It often crosses my mind that this could be the last time I see my family. Our culture is so far removed from death, that when it happens, It's paralyzing. I imagine people in other countries experience death all the time. How horrific it must be to see the people you love die around you because of hunger or disease. We however, don't share that same sentiment. I honestly never imagined that I would loose my son. Not because I din't think it could happen, i just didn't think it would. Now I recognize how truly fleeting our life is. The verse that says our life is but a myst comes to mind. So i hope I can make the most out of it. Not trying to change the world, become famous, or to have the most fun. I hope I make the most out of every minute, and everyday. Glorifying God, even in the everyday, mundane. In doing laundry, washing dishes, changing diapers, in every conversation, every car ride, and with everyone I meet. For the glory of God.