In all of my time blogging, my post last week got the most email responses. From old readers, friends, people I didn't even know still read my blog. I just wanted to say thank you. It honestly helps to know people are going (have gone) through similar things. It helps knowing that it helps you when you read my blog. Losing Benjamin is still very painful. It is still something I often cry about, even when I don't intend to. Just the other day I was reading a blog post about a birth story and just the picture of her at the hospital made me burst into tears.
I am learning, that It's okay to still be hurt, and to cry. It's okay to not want to talk about it with every person you see. Everyone grieves differently, but I think even in that, our society has made it normal to grieve quickly and move on. I keep hearing from other moms that the heartbreak will never go away, you just learn to live with it. I think that's true, as much as I want to not be hurt, I think the pain is a reminder that Ben was/is real. In a weird way I do hope that it still hurts, even years from now, because I don't want to forget Ben. Even though its painful, I want to hold onto what little I have.
I am learning that everyone is going through their own struggle and their own pain. Everyone experiences their own degree of pain, and of heartache. Everyone has their own burden that might not seem as big as yours. But if Ben dying has taught me anything, It's been to be softer with people. To be kinder to everyone, because you just never know what their story is. You can't know everything someone has gone through. Your hurt might not seem as devastating as a death, but it matters. You matter. God cares about your pain.
Reading and praying have helped a lot. Surprisingly the biggest help has been listening. Listening to what others have gone through. Listening to kind words and advice. Listening to the word of God. Honestly the greatest comfort in all of this, is knowing I will see Ben again.