These past few days have been very hard. Having to say goodbye to RJ for a third time was crushing, and I do mean, crushing. I in no way expected to be this sad about it. I mean, I expected to be sad, but not this sad. Not feeling completely depressed and sobbing, sad. Since then, things have been better. It helps that we're able to talk throughout the day, and we were even able to FaceTime (woop woop). I think what helped the most was the sermon this past Sunday. Part of the reason I was so sad is because I just kept thinking this is my life now. I'm going to be apart from my husband all the time, and basically have to raise Jed by myself. Loosing Ben has brought out these really crazy fears in me. On top of that, RJ being gone, can make me really anxious.
Life has just slapped me in the face. No, its been more of a drop kick. You know how when you're in high school, you just can't wait to be an adult? Then when you're in college, you think, I can't wait until I have a job and I'm married, and life is just really great. Then that age comes when you're suppose to maybe have a great job, or an awesome marriage. Maybe both? Then life is all like, no, you're getting a crap job that doesn't allow you to pay your college loans. A husband? No, you're going do die alone (or at least it feels that way). Well, not alone, with cats of course. Kids? No, you can't have kids or maybe you loose a child, or two, or three. Then you start to come to a place where you realize that life just sucks. Plain and simple, life is hard. I needed to hear that, Sunday. I think a lot of people need to hear that.
The sermon mentioned that our hope is not in a better life now, but in the next life. It doesn't mean that we have no joy, but that our joy looks different. Our joy is not in our circumstances, but in our God. It's a hard lesson for me to learn. I keep hoping that things will get easier, and maybe they will. But nothing can take back the loss of Ben, or RJ missing a year of Jed's life. Life is just brutal, relentless. I'm learning that there is no guarantee that this life will be fair, or happy, or easy. This life will be brutal, heartbreaking, and callous. But i feel joyful. I feel joyful in knowing my creator, in the salvation He has graciously given me. I take joy in my family and in our friends. I take joy in knowing that this life is not all there is, even if at times I loose track of that. I feel joy in knowing I'm not alone. I felt joy in carrying others burdens, today. It's hard to know that people are suffering, but there's great joy in knowing this life is temporary. They have salvation in Christ, and there is no greater joy than that. The afflictions of this world are temporary, and are but a blimp in eternity.