Lately, it has been pretty great! Jed has been talking and understanding a lot more. The other day he said: no, mommy! Which might not seem like a big deal, but to this mom, it kind of is. You celebrate the little victories, like asking questions and forming sentences and knowing the name of their uncles. Being a mom is really great. Pretty indescribable to love someone and have them love you back, with absolutely no judgement. Having them believe the very best in you and wanting to live up to that.
Although, its not always rainbows and sunshine. It's pretty exhausting! I mean, I got my first gray hairs (sigh)!!! It can be frustrating and trying, raising kids. There are days where I want to loose it and I'm counting the minutes until 8pm. It really is a sacrificial act to be a parent, to really give your all to raise your kids. To try and make sure they feel loved, and safe, but don't grow up to think everything is about them. To show them how to love people and serve others. To most of all love Jesus. That is always what weighs heavy on my heart. What kind of person does my son see me as? Is it evident to him that we love God? It can be really tough to try and remember and juggle all of these things. What we try and remember the most is to serve God, to love God and to love others. To also pray really hard for him. We pray most of all for his salvation and for the world he is going to have to live in (scary to think about).
As mothers day approaches, I can't help but think of Ben. I think of him when I look at Jed, whenever Jed sees a baby and acknowledges him. I wonder how they would have played. How they would have fought, how they would have loved each other. It hurts to not have him here, I feel like Jed missed out on the opportunity to be raised with a brother so close in age. Even though I'm a mom, sometimes I don't feel adequate. I think I'm a mom but not a mom of two (weird, I know). It's hard when you do everything with your peers so close in age, you can't help but to compare your lives. It's still so hard for me to look at the babies who were born in the same year as Ben. Life is so fragile, so sacred. There is so much that you give up as a parent, but you gain so much more. Motherhood has been truly life changing. To love someone so much, It's amazing! There are tough days, and long days, but all days are great. All days are a part of shaping your child's life. Sometimes I forget that. You're taking part in shaping a person, who they will be one day. It's a pretty perfect reminder to be faithful, to have character, to be kind. Everything you do is being seen, wether good or bad. I pray that my son will look past our imperfections as parents and look to Jesus. That is really the best thing I can do as a mom.