I have missed just blogging about the random stuff. You know, just using this place as my personal journal and sharing all kinds of word vomit. Yup, here it is!
Lately I have just been super emotional. The not knowing stage is really getting to me. Not having RJ here is really getting to me. The fact that June is coming way too fast, just makes me want to cry. I can't believe it is almost a year since Ben died. It certainly doesn't feel that way. I just feel like life is moving way too fast. People are moving on, and I feel stuck. Life seems like a subway station, people get on and move on, and everything happens really fast. I'm just sitting on the bench watching it all pass by. I feel like I'm grasping at air, trying to make time stop. I'm just not ready for any of it. I'm trying to hold on to everyday because I have this heart wrenching feeling about June coming. I hate to think about it. I didn't expect to feel this way, but It's how I feel.
I look at Jed and he is such a little man. He is so smart and sweet, and reminds me so much of his wonderful daddy! I try my very best to be there for him, but a part of me feels like he has been robbed. I don't think I have been 100% for him. There are days where I just want to cry and be alone and Its really hard for me to hold it all together. I don't want to make him feel like he has a crazy mom. I'm grateful that Ben will never have to experience the pain of this world. It's difficult to look at Jed and wonder what his life will be like. If there will be circumstances that will cause him heartbreak. Yet, as I type this, I'm reminded of God's mercy. A lot of times I miss that! A reminder that its all going to be alright.
I was reminded this week of how deeply I pursued spiritual maturity in the past. It was really important to me. Lately, I feel like I have just been getting by. I keep wanting so desperately not to be sad and for everything to just be "normal". I forget that this is my normal. It's OKAY to be sad! I think I need a poster as a reminder. There will be good days and hard days, but everyday is a reminder that there is still work to do! People who still need me, and things I can still be doing. That is a great reminder. So this weekend I hope to be able to do, exactly that :)
Happy Weekend, Everyone!