I wasn't sure how I would be today. I had been thinking of this day all month and how much it means to us. Yet today feels like every other day. I still miss Ben, I look forward to the day where I get to hold him. But the pain is the same. It still hurts, the mere mention of his name makes me cry, but I'm okay. I'm at a place that I didn't imagine a year ago. The place where people told me I would be. I'm living with the pain. It is still painful, it is still hard for me to see a baby, and not wonder what Ben would have been like. But in all honesty, I am comforted that Ben is with Jesus. What a place to be!
As this world seems more and more perverse and just plain awful, I'm thankful that Ben will never have to experience that. He will never know pain or suffering, he only knows the comfort of his creator. As strange as it might sound, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that Ben will be spared from all that. I worry about the world that Jed will grow up in, the things he will see and experience and how difficult things will be for him. I thank God that Ben will never know that. As much as I miss him and as much as I wish he were here and I was able to hold him, I thank God for his mercy.
I still remember every single thing about our baby, Ben. He touched our lives in the most profound way. He made heaven all the more to look forward to. Although, it was only for a moment, I am grateful everyday, for his life.
Happy Birthday, Benny.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18