To the insecure girl

To the girl who doesn't feel like she's good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough, or talented. Any or all of those, any combination really. If you feel like you can't get a man, or keep a man, or maybe just feel like you're man is willing to trade you for a bag of potato chips. You're not alone. I think people don't want to admit that they are insecure, but I would venture to say that most are.  Although some of us think way too highly of ourselves (you know who you are).

I don't know. You're just not alone. I don't think that most people would classify me as a people-pleaser, but I am. I am a closet people-pleaser. Maybe the biggest one of them all! I learned at a really early age that I didn't really have much to offer people but charm. Yeah, I was cute, but there was always going to be somebody cuter. So I learned what people wanted, I learned what they liked. I got really good at observing, and I figured out who I needed to be in order for them to like me. I just always felt like I needed to win people over. I have never been particularly good at anything, and I have always though that even if I was, somebody would be better. You see, there's always someone better, or smarter, or prettier. I may be as insecure as they come, but I never wanted to admit that. Although these things kind of have a way of catching up to you.

When I came to Christ that part of me died. I didn't feel the need to please anyone. Then some things happened, hearts were broken, and it kind of came back. Its something that I have struggled with, and something that lately, seems to have taken over. I feel like I lost myself a little bit. I kind of got caught up in life and closed off certain parts of me. I found myself not being able to make the simplest decisions without input.

I hold on to things, I live in my head. Things don't just roll of my back. It's the reason I cry when I'm embarrassed or still change in the bathroom 3 years after marriage. I want so desperately to be the girl who doesn't care, but It's really hard for me. My whole life I grew up hearing, you're just not that good. You'd be prettier if you ______. Don't do this or your husband will leave you. And as much as I want to be a victim to all those things, I'm not. The honest to goodness truth of the matter is that I am good enough to God, because Jesus payed it all! I don't need to prove myself to anyone. Even if I wanted to, I can't! You yourself can't change people. Your parents may never think you're good enough. Your friends might talk behind your back. Your guy might cheat on you. People may not like you. That is just the harsh reality of life. There is NOTHING YOU can do to change that. It doesn't mean you're not good enough because a guy cheated on you. You're not the problem in that scenario, he is. People are outside of your control, and as much as you try to micromanage each detail and person in your life, It's not going to work. It's not ever going to work. It's just going to be a lot of wasted energy.

The best thing you can do is figure out who you are. What you like, what you don't like, if you're really into sports. Sometimes insecurities manifest themselves really obviously in half naked instagram pictures, but other times they are just heart wrenching talks with yourself in the middle of the night. Wondering if you will ever be good enough, if one person will just deem you as valuable. You know, the whole pretty flowers wherever you walk, baby.  I'm here to tell you that one has. You have so much more to offer the world than meaningless temporary things like beauty, or charm, or a really funny movie line. My best advice (to myself) is to seek God, love people, and do good. Everything else is just outside of your control. So control what you can, and that's you.

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Britt said...

Beautiful post! Thanks so much for sharing. I can totally relate to feeling insecure and being a people pleaser :)

Rochelle Z said...

You would never guess what I just finished talking with my biblical counselor about tonight, this. This and a past relationship where the guy did me wrong. I never felt good enough for him and sometimes struggle with wondering if I'd be good enough for my future husband. I drove by a billboard for show girls on my way to see her tonight. Thoughts were rolling through my head..."my bodies not good enough", "I'm overweight", etc. Then I caught myself and literally had to preach the truth to myself as if was God himself speaking to me. I find myself doing this a lot lately. That being battling with self esteem and having to preach the truth to myself. I cried myself to sleep for months, and although the problem wasn't me, it felt a whole lot like mine. It's not easy, but I've been removing and separating that from myself. Focusing on how God sees me has helped me refocus back on how special and unique I am. That illness and all, I can trust Him because what He has ordained to happen (guy, health, etc.), is His plan, and His plan is better then anything I can do myself. Sometimes I try to see me before all of this, and sometimes I feel lost, like I'm not too sure who I am. But, I'm learning to accept me for the me today, and not years ago. We are all constantly changing, and rediscovering or accepting who you are today is important. Thank you Daisy. The way I see it is we are all beautiful flowers. No flower is the same, but each one holds its own unique look and feel. And nothing God creates was ever not good.

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