we are now on day 5 of the new year, and day five of my no sugar resolution. i'm honestly a little shocked that I've made it this far with minimal heartache. a lot of it has to do with me getting sick initially, but also my desire to just be done with my old lifestyle. as my friend mayra would put it, i was eating chocolate teddy bears in my spare time. i think its safe to say i have (had) a sugar addiction. i would eat a half pint of ben and jerrys daily! on a good day! on a desperate day i would eat the whole thing, followed by some milk duds. i would wash it all down with some double bubble. i say this because things got pretty pathetic, worst of all, i didn't really notice how bad things actually were. i went to the dr over the holiday and of course they weigh you ( don't know why, I'm there for strep throat, not a reality check). so i was shocked. shocked! to find out how much i weighed. i seriously tried to contain the tears, because i am not about to have a mental breakdown in the drs office. what i was most frustrated about is that before i moved i had been working really hard to loose weight and all that hard work was gone.
since we're getting pretty deep here, i can share that weight has always been an issue for me. in middle school i was pretty chubs, so in high i made really poor choices to make sure i wasn't. around jr year of college i gained more weight than i would have liked and i think ever since i have struggled with my weight. i was pretty small when i got married all the way up until i was pregnant with Ben, where i struggled with being depressed and really just lost all self control. which brings us to minimally trying to get into shape, but not really. i have had a lot of moments where i said things were going to change and i wanted things to change, but for some reason that day at the drs office just impacted me greatly. its hard to explain, but i was almost disgusted. now i say this not because of my weight, but because in that moment i realized how much self control i lack.
i think that weight is a sensitive subject for a lot of people. its harder for some than it is for others. where i might have to work hard to get into shape, someone else might have to work 2,3,4x as hard as me. i don't really think its fair to make judgements based on something you don't know. i say that because those same judgement have been made on me, and it hurts. you cant possibly know what ties into someones eating habits. I'm not saying that poor eating habits are a good thing, but a lot of time, weight loss is more than just telling someone to eat healthy and exercise. my eating ties with my emotions, and often times when i am at my worst physically, i am also there spiritually. the worst times of my adult life (weight wise) have been when rj and i broke up in college, while we had to live with someone, and after we lost ben. my eating was effected by the rest of what was going on.
so for some people a year of no sugar might seem really drastic, and maybe it is, but its whats right for me. its not just a "challenging" resolution. its not even a healthy resolution. i see this as a discipline, a practice. changing what i view as a necessity and practicing to say no to myself. its for so much more than loosing weight! i want to be able to say no. these are things that aren't making me healthy, and just the opposite are hurting me. but more than that, the choice to "indulge" or to just give myself whatever i want bleeds into other areas of my life. i need to practice discipline. i have been praying so much more and i just know this is going to be a really great year. i feel renewed in the Lord. I'm excited to see how He will be using us in the months to come and this is one of the small changes i will be making to be more effective in all read of life.
sorry this turned into such a long post. it kind of got away from me.