The pursuit of failure...

I took a little (long) break from blogging, and I think I'm finally back! I have really missed writing. I forgot how much I love to write, Its just so innate in me. If I'm not blogging, then I am in journaling. I just enjoy putting my thoughts down and I finally feel like I'm ready to blog again. I have been what you might call soul searching. I think I had a midlife, or is it quarter life crisis? Well I wouldn't say crisis as much as a funk. I have been desperately searching for what I thought might satisfy me, and surprise surprise, nothing has. Staying home with my boys has given me the biggest identity crisis, I don't know what to do with my time that I feel is worthwhile (I know, it all sounds so terrible). As terrible as it all might sound and as much as you might be saying, I know the answer, It's just the truth about how I felt. So I had to step back from everything and just let God convict me.

I was searching for meaning, when meaning was hitting me in the face. And to your surprise it wasn't being a stay at home mom or an awesome wife, but following Jesus! You might say I already did that, but my answer was I wasn't doing it well enough. I wasn't consumed with the creator as much as I was with creation. I felt like i needed things to occupy my time, I had to "contribute" to our household, I had to be this awesome "do it all" mom. When God doesn't ask for any of those things. My efforts in the pursuit of things that didn't really matter went unsatisfied and here I was not knowing what to do with myself. And I would love to say, "thats when it hit me"... but it wasn't. I went on to chase meaningless temporal insignificant things, that alone weren't bad, but I just tried to make them the things that gave me purpose.

The process was slow but the transformation was painful. It was like God convicted me of one thing after the other. Have you ever had someone break up with you and tell you why you suck? Me either. But I imagine its something like that. You know that scene in Seinfeld where he tells her she's pretentious? I just realized how many things I was doing with an insincere heart. I would love to say, I'm all better, I have it all figured out, and life is awesome, but this is an ongoing process. It has been a combination of the right people in my life, the books I'm reading, and the amazing sermons by John Piper (that feel like a hand reaches out of my phone and slaps me in the face). I remember talking to my husband and him saying, "there she is". I didn't know what he meant by that. He explained that he sees the "old me" in there.

Y'all, when I was in high school I was on fire for God, I mean weirdly telling people all about Jesus every chance I got. I also went to a bible school because I just wanted to know everything about God. Jesus was literally life (which should not be considered weird Christian behavior). But sometime after I had Jed I felt like that was gone. If you could imagine a fire, then someone pouring water on it. When Benjamin died more water was poured, when we lived with RJs grandma, more water. When RJ went to training, more water. When we moved to NY, more water. So I was running on cinders. It was just the tiniest light that kept me going, I didn't know how to come out of it. And it took more heartache and more disappointments to finally realize that the pursuits of this world are meaningless. Not to say that I wouldn't tell you that before if you asked. I knew it, I just wasn't believing it. So I tried different momentary things to fill up my time, like projects and blogging, ministries, and activities. All of which are not bad things, just not the point. So my life might look pretty similar in most ways, but my heart is different. I'm not doing things to satisfy some empty God shaped hole, I am doing it to bring glory to God. I'm sure a year down the road I will have another epiphany about life, because thats just how sanctification works. We are constantly growing and God is constantly changing us.

The reason for the picture above is because I remember posting this years back (in college) and loving it so much. And a few weeks ago I saw it again, it was an aha moment for me. It speaks so perfectly to my soul! I  have the tendency to want to do things to prove myself. To who? I couldn't tell you. I just don't want to be what people consider a "failure". So when I read this, I am reminded that it is not in my failures that I should have fear, but in my empty pursuits.

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